As the Year of Natural Disasters ends, lets hope 2006 brings better luck atleast. May there be a groundbreaking end to terrorism in India and eternal peace with Pakistan. May we be missed by a comet by a whisker, just to remind us that we are not immortal. May there be less babies dying in Africa (thank you Live8) and less cases of avian flu. May George 'Dubya' Bush finally get brains(no wait, that can't happen till 2008 atleast i guess..). May the U.S.A. finally pull out of Iraq. May we win the test series and one-dayers with Pakistan (again). May Bollywood make more money from sensible movies this year than it ever did all its history. May this current economic growth for India last through 2006. May China not swallow so much oil. Actually, may China not swallow anything, including its neighbouring countries. May all countries get the N-bomb, so we can't threaten anyone with apocalypse anymore. And finally, may everyone have a great 2006...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
30.12.05
Weddings...
i was forced to attend a family wedding recently. In the midst of feeling bored and complaining loudly that i didn't know anybody, i found the typical animals who inhabit every wedding hall.
1. The Cheeka: (Auntica pinchika)
Usually found near anyone who has a kid. Stealthily waits for prey usually fat young specimen and attacks without any warning. Aims for the face, probably to tear flesh from bone. Solitary creature. Older ones may attack mature specimens.
2. The Forget-me-not: (Auntica historica)
Interacts only with by younger specimen of species. Interacts only in questions usually related to events of prey's childhood. Escape rarely possible unless prey has photographic memory.
3. The Help-me-out: (Geriatrica helplessa)
Species waits for hours to get prey. Attacks only at close quarters. Uses prey as crutch unless prey is attacked by Cheek-puller (refer above). Otherwise unavoidable and unescapable. Escape may result in ostraciation by other members of the prey's herd.
4. The Grillers: (Humanae curiosa geneologicus)
Usually attack in pairs, either both male or both female. All knowledge of the jungle known between the two. Try finding species by repeated questions. Get aggressive if not answered. May result in embarassment and/or new position in family tree.
5. The Wannababe: (Fillica vainica)
Usually female. Preens around wedding hall , ostensibly to attract opposite sex of any species. Favourite with older male specimens of all species. Younger specimens tend to ignore advances or avoid it. Easy to avoid with repeated animosity.
6. The Whattababe: (Fillica sexica)
Female. Does not notice appreciative glances. Males tend to approach with caution for increased interaction. Usually seen with other females, notably mother who tends to resist any attempts at interaction. Approachable when other members of tribe hunting at other locations. If accompanied by Matriach, interaction impossible.
7. The Stud: (Tallfaira handsoma)
Male. Tends to be surrounded by female (and some males) herds permanently. Can be located easily by following female tracks. Found stuck to Wannababe. Tends to chase Whattababe, mostly successfully.
8. The Baa-Stud: (Hornica hornia)
Male. Hunts for females of any species. Usually unsuccessful because hunting methods are ineffective. Solitary creature. Only creature avoided by the Wannababe and Cheeka.
9. The Matriarch: (Auntica scaria)
Usually largest female. Orders herd/herds around from watering hole to gathering place and vice-versa. Found with fur on all visible parts of body and tends to speak in supersonic frequencies. Moves around wedding hall creating large amounts of space for own self. Trailed by other female species.
10. The Siamese Twins: (Couplea wearenexta)
Two specimens of different species which usually interact intimately within hours of meeting. Tend to dis-associate themselves from all occurences and opt for solitary location. Tend to be under watch by Matriarch and under greatest attack from the Cheeka.
List incomplete. This jungle has more variety than the Amazon.
1. The Cheeka: (Auntica pinchika)
Usually found near anyone who has a kid. Stealthily waits for prey usually fat young specimen and attacks without any warning. Aims for the face, probably to tear flesh from bone. Solitary creature. Older ones may attack mature specimens.
2. The Forget-me-not: (Auntica historica)
Interacts only with by younger specimen of species. Interacts only in questions usually related to events of prey's childhood. Escape rarely possible unless prey has photographic memory.
3. The Help-me-out: (Geriatrica helplessa)
Species waits for hours to get prey. Attacks only at close quarters. Uses prey as crutch unless prey is attacked by Cheek-puller (refer above). Otherwise unavoidable and unescapable. Escape may result in ostraciation by other members of the prey's herd.
4. The Grillers: (Humanae curiosa geneologicus)
Usually attack in pairs, either both male or both female. All knowledge of the jungle known between the two. Try finding species by repeated questions. Get aggressive if not answered. May result in embarassment and/or new position in family tree.
5. The Wannababe: (Fillica vainica)
Usually female. Preens around wedding hall , ostensibly to attract opposite sex of any species. Favourite with older male specimens of all species. Younger specimens tend to ignore advances or avoid it. Easy to avoid with repeated animosity.
6. The Whattababe: (Fillica sexica)
Female. Does not notice appreciative glances. Males tend to approach with caution for increased interaction. Usually seen with other females, notably mother who tends to resist any attempts at interaction. Approachable when other members of tribe hunting at other locations. If accompanied by Matriach, interaction impossible.
7. The Stud: (Tallfaira handsoma)
Male. Tends to be surrounded by female (and some males) herds permanently. Can be located easily by following female tracks. Found stuck to Wannababe. Tends to chase Whattababe, mostly successfully.
8. The Baa-Stud: (Hornica hornia)
Male. Hunts for females of any species. Usually unsuccessful because hunting methods are ineffective. Solitary creature. Only creature avoided by the Wannababe and Cheeka.
9. The Matriarch: (Auntica scaria)
Usually largest female. Orders herd/herds around from watering hole to gathering place and vice-versa. Found with fur on all visible parts of body and tends to speak in supersonic frequencies. Moves around wedding hall creating large amounts of space for own self. Trailed by other female species.
10. The Siamese Twins: (Couplea wearenexta)
Two specimens of different species which usually interact intimately within hours of meeting. Tend to dis-associate themselves from all occurences and opt for solitary location. Tend to be under watch by Matriarch and under greatest attack from the Cheeka.
List incomplete. This jungle has more variety than the Amazon.
22.12.05
Movie reviews...
Saw 'Bluffmaster' the other day. Good movie. Maybe the plot was a little weak but total tp. Especially the acting. Thought Nana Patekar and Ritesh Deshmukh were awesome and maybe Abhishek's best performance as a solo hero not to mention Priyanka Chopra looking hot as hell. From any angle better than 'Neal n Nikki'. A titfest that got people in theatres just cos Yash Chopra produced it. Wooden actors, fuckol direction. Yet, (surprise surprise) 'the most widely read' English daily in India gave the former 2 stars and the latter 3. Why, one might ask. No answer. 'Reviews are the reviewers personal opinions.'
Reviews are maybe the one thing in papers i look forward to. i remember a time when i did not watch any hindi movie without reading what Khalid Mohamed wrote in TOI. Then somewhere down the line i lost faith. 5 stars for Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham was too much i guess. Since then its become worse. A lot of the reviewers are aspiring directors (as even Khalid turned out to be). Makes sense to suck up to Yash Chopra and co. Fine. But don't run good movies down cos you don't like the director. Orson Welles made 'Citizen Kane' and was widely criticized by all the newspapers (incidentally owned by the guy on whom the movie was based). Flopped miserably. 60 years later its acclaimed as the best Hollywood movie ever. Bluffmaster ain't Citizen Kane. But give it its due.
Reviews are maybe the one thing in papers i look forward to. i remember a time when i did not watch any hindi movie without reading what Khalid Mohamed wrote in TOI. Then somewhere down the line i lost faith. 5 stars for Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham was too much i guess. Since then its become worse. A lot of the reviewers are aspiring directors (as even Khalid turned out to be). Makes sense to suck up to Yash Chopra and co. Fine. But don't run good movies down cos you don't like the director. Orson Welles made 'Citizen Kane' and was widely criticized by all the newspapers (incidentally owned by the guy on whom the movie was based). Flopped miserably. 60 years later its acclaimed as the best Hollywood movie ever. Bluffmaster ain't Citizen Kane. But give it its due.
21.12.05
Couples...
Cop sees criminal. Cop goes towards criminal. Criminal starts running away. Cop catches criminal. Cop slaps criminal. Criminal starts crying, begs for mercy. Cop thrashes criminal. Criminal spends night in jail. End of story.
Except the criminals are couples who i might add WERENT DOING ANYTHING! In whatever archaic way we define indecency, i am sure it does not include HOLDING HANDS!! The cops involved thought they would get a medal. i hope they get suspended.
We are a shameless nation. People pick their noses, scratch their asses, spit, piss, shit, shag (yes that too.. heard about one guy going about it in a bus.. didnt use public transport for a week) in public. But no holding hands. Against our culture. Which makes shagging in public our collective national heritage. Mr Pramod Navalkar says couples should 'do it' in private. Is he KIDDING???? If couples found private space, they wouldn't hold hands in public and do more than that in private. Hasn't he seen any of those MMSs??
Unfortunately, this city has no space. One small triangle with 21 million residents cannot afford to give one extra square meter to anyone. Ask local train travellers. But they manage. They ADJUST. So why can't we adjust with our couples? Give them their space and you protect yours. That way we can prevent more national embarassments. And have lesser number of cops raping teenage girls. And cops can start doing a lot more to get medals.
Except the criminals are couples who i might add WERENT DOING ANYTHING! In whatever archaic way we define indecency, i am sure it does not include HOLDING HANDS!! The cops involved thought they would get a medal. i hope they get suspended.
We are a shameless nation. People pick their noses, scratch their asses, spit, piss, shit, shag (yes that too.. heard about one guy going about it in a bus.. didnt use public transport for a week) in public. But no holding hands. Against our culture. Which makes shagging in public our collective national heritage. Mr Pramod Navalkar says couples should 'do it' in private. Is he KIDDING???? If couples found private space, they wouldn't hold hands in public and do more than that in private. Hasn't he seen any of those MMSs??
Unfortunately, this city has no space. One small triangle with 21 million residents cannot afford to give one extra square meter to anyone. Ask local train travellers. But they manage. They ADJUST. So why can't we adjust with our couples? Give them their space and you protect yours. That way we can prevent more national embarassments. And have lesser number of cops raping teenage girls. And cops can start doing a lot more to get medals.
20.12.05
Notes to Self...
Learnt new things this week:
1) When mean things have to be said its better to let someone else do the talking. Otherwise i will get screwed.
2) Always put out my side of the story before i get misunderstood.
3) Think twice before saying ANYTHING. Especially in my college, where little things get analysed to death.
4) Before crossing the road, look both sides and walk.
5) Don't respond to mean jokes. The joker will get tired of the jokee's non-response.
6) Don't give people a piece of my mind when they need to get it. Instead, i will glare. Puts the message across better.
7) Make new year's plans in November itself.
8) Try calling old friends once in a while. Never know when they'll say 'Who the hell is this?'
9) Try talking to friends more often. Never know when they'll say 'I used to know him once.'
10) Never trust Times of India's movie reviews. Neal 'n' Nikki gets 3 stars while Bluffmaster gets 2!! God!!
11) Never refer to a third person directly during conversations. Makes denying easier.
12) While driving, use the clutch less often. Saves oil. Saves money. Actually, don't drive much. Saves the environment. Saves money.
1) When mean things have to be said its better to let someone else do the talking. Otherwise i will get screwed.
2) Always put out my side of the story before i get misunderstood.
3) Think twice before saying ANYTHING. Especially in my college, where little things get analysed to death.
4) Before crossing the road, look both sides and walk.
5) Don't respond to mean jokes. The joker will get tired of the jokee's non-response.
6) Don't give people a piece of my mind when they need to get it. Instead, i will glare. Puts the message across better.
7) Make new year's plans in November itself.
8) Try calling old friends once in a while. Never know when they'll say 'Who the hell is this?'
9) Try talking to friends more often. Never know when they'll say 'I used to know him once.'
10) Never trust Times of India's movie reviews. Neal 'n' Nikki gets 3 stars while Bluffmaster gets 2!! God!!
11) Never refer to a third person directly during conversations. Makes denying easier.
12) While driving, use the clutch less often. Saves oil. Saves money. Actually, don't drive much. Saves the environment. Saves money.
19.12.05
Name Changes...
First Mumbai did it, then Chennai did it, then Kolkata and now Bengalooru... Whats with cities wanting to change their names? Apparently its done to enable locals to say the name with ease: in Marathi 'Mumbai' is much easier to say than 'Bombay', the same goes for Kolkata. Sometimes to hark back to a so-called glorious past like Chennai did. So did Bengalooru. A name which originates from the word 'the town of boiled beans'. Some glorious past.
So far i'm ok with this. Public opinion is divided but past experience confirms the name change will happen with or without people's approval. Today i read some smaller cities and towns in Karnataka will also be 'reverted to their pre-colonial names'. Fine and dandy. The list is long. At the end is the mention of two cities: Bijapur and Gulbarga. Their history maybe long but they reach the peak of their powers in the 15th century C.E. under Islamic rulers. i would consider this their glory day. Yet, the powers-to-be want to rename these cities as Vijaypura and Kalburgi.. harking back to some (invisible) glorious Hindu past. WHAT SENSE DOES THIS MAKE????? The Bahamani Sultans must have renamed these cities but they made these tiny provincial towns into big cities for their time. Just because they were Islamic doesn't mean they weren't Indian. i didn't expect the Congress with its bent towards Muslims to do this. Seems the elections are faaaar away....
So far i'm ok with this. Public opinion is divided but past experience confirms the name change will happen with or without people's approval. Today i read some smaller cities and towns in Karnataka will also be 'reverted to their pre-colonial names'. Fine and dandy. The list is long. At the end is the mention of two cities: Bijapur and Gulbarga. Their history maybe long but they reach the peak of their powers in the 15th century C.E. under Islamic rulers. i would consider this their glory day. Yet, the powers-to-be want to rename these cities as Vijaypura and Kalburgi.. harking back to some (invisible) glorious Hindu past. WHAT SENSE DOES THIS MAKE????? The Bahamani Sultans must have renamed these cities but they made these tiny provincial towns into big cities for their time. Just because they were Islamic doesn't mean they weren't Indian. i didn't expect the Congress with its bent towards Muslims to do this. Seems the elections are faaaar away....
12.12.05
Political Ads...
With the number of political parties it ain't surprising to find each one crying out to be heard through am advertisement. Always interesting to see them. ive understood the politics of this country more by looking at these banners than by reading editorials in newspapers. A few months back my favourite was this one in Juhu Lane (i think belonging to the Samajwadi Party) which had ONLY the local candidate's photo on it. Surprising, considering these banners tend to honour everyone from the founder of the party to the mother of the guy who painted the lotus on the right hand bottom corner of the banner. Now this candidate, in spite of being a Muslim, could have been finding it tough to get votes in a Muslim dominated area. So he gets himself photographed in a Bedoiun gown and an Arabic headgear. Years of documentaries on the middle east have made me realise that each tribe gets a different head gear (like a Scottish kilt). And this guy had a Saudi head gear. So either he pleads allegiance to King Abdullah (which is a crime i guess) or he's trying to pass himself off as a 'true' Muslim to get votes (which is crazy, im sure). Strangely, no one seemed to notice this subliminal messaging... he lost by a huuuuuggggggggeeee margin and the ad disappeared. Quickly.
Unfortunately, the Shiv Sena wasn't quick enough. When Narayan Rane dumped the Sena, an ad outside my house portraying him as Bal Thackeray's right-hand man didn't get dumped soon enough. So we had a Congress ad right next to it portraying Rane as the 'man who puts his hand in the lion's mouth and lives to tell the story'. Nice!
Unfortunately, the Shiv Sena wasn't quick enough. When Narayan Rane dumped the Sena, an ad outside my house portraying him as Bal Thackeray's right-hand man didn't get dumped soon enough. So we had a Congress ad right next to it portraying Rane as the 'man who puts his hand in the lion's mouth and lives to tell the story'. Nice!
10.12.05
Sachin...
So he finally did it... after a year of getting #34 Sachin Tendulkar managed to get his 35th century. A year with lots of dramatic occurings in the sport. New coach, new board president, new run of bad form and finally new captain. One constant. Sachin. No one doubts his place in the team. No one wonders whether he plays for the money. No one even imagines that he's fixed matches. And while he's avoiding one controversy after another, he finds the time to exhilarate us with his batting. And his bowling. Sometimes his fielding. But most importantly, his commitment. There are times when i'm sure he's been frustrated. Like fighting through a crippling backache just to see his team falter literally at the gates of victory. Like being asked to curb his game because no one else can. Like scoring over 25000 runs and hundreds of man-of-the-match awards and accused of letting the team down. But this man stays. No wonder this country loves him so much. This country. Where governments meant for 5 years lose public trust in 2. Where the stock market could crash any instant. Where my house could sink into the ground in a few days. Where the weather cannot be trusted anymore. But there is one man we can trust. He is there to rescue the team when needed. He will neglect an injury because he realises we cannot afford to lose this match. He will bring hope to a billion Indians everytime they see. He is Superman.
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